An Interview with big joe: Talking Clash, Clan Wars and More

After many phone calls, emails, snail mail letters, texts and some rather abrupt door knocking, we were able to track down big joe, leader of the ridiculously awesome Battle Fresh clan, and ask him some pointed questions regarding, the game, life and about clan wars. What follows is an exact transcript of the interview.

Q: We have been told you are quite the tactician, is this true? And, if yes, where were you schooled? West Point?

big joe: I have no formal training. I learned Clash of Clans on the streets. I ran with a rough crowd. Mostly level 2 and 3 town halls in a backwards clan. Aimless, unmotivated, vulgar. Most times though it was just me and the goblin campaign. The goblins took me in and made me one of their own. Through their mentoring, I was able to learn how to deploy troops in an almost organized fashion; a precursor to what you are accustomed to seeing today.

Q: Since your legendary and almost meteoric rise to town hall 9, what has been your greatest take away?

big joe: In my two years of complete domination of this game, I have learned one infallible truth; do not rush your town hall.

Q: Why do you say not to rush a town hall? Do you speak from experience?

big joe: If you can name it...I rushed it. I rushed town hall 2. I didn't have dragons until town hall 9. I think I had level 3 cannons at town hall 7. All the rushing started taking a toll on my regular day to day life too. I started rushing everything. Red lights. Ice cubes. Rotisserie chicken. My life was a wreck. I went clanless for months roaming aimlessly in the abyss of global. People would make comments about my rushed town hall 9--it hurt.

Q: What happened that turned you around?

big joe: After giving the game up for while, my daughters showed spirited interest in Clash. I took that motivator to allow me to do the math and nerd up on the game. I began frequenting wikis, forums, websites, self-help groups--anything to give me Clash info. In short, my daughters made me the man I am today. I wanted to be their hero--their barb king.

Q: When did you become a leader?

big joe: Back at the end of May 2014, myself, a band of misfits from a previous clan, my daughters, and one extraordinary gentlemen going by the name of frankie sought out to make a difference in the Clash world. I started the clan 'Farm Fresh.' It was an immediate and unqualified success. We won wars, had fun, and the clan was growing. However, after some solid growth and an equally impressive win streak, we hit a road block when we ran into a stout Asian clan--we had our butts handed to us. It was clear things had to change, so we set out to create one clan solely for the serious war mongers--and from that fire Battle Fresh was born. I have been leader of that clan since July 2014.

Q: Has anyone inspired you or given you mentoring along the way?

big joe: No. Not at all. I am a self made man. Sweden? Who said anything about Sweden?! Q: Are you OK? Who are you talking to?  big joe: Ok, fine, there's this one person named Wuxia Tigerpaw. I learned like a tiny bit from her. It was only like this one thing. Wait? Website?? I know I didn't say anything about her website. Q: Seriously, are you OK? You are looking at the ceiling like it's talking to you. big joe: Alright, I did it! It's in the floorboards!! Her mentoring on global and her awesome website helped me lay the foundation for the organized clan Battle Fresh has become.

Q: I will act like none of that happened. What can you say about Clan Wars? What irks you the most?

big joe: Folks not attacking. It is like someone betrayed me. No wait, like someone was lazy and through their thoughtlessness they betrayed me. Wait, wait. It's like there was this bear and it went into hibernation, but usually this bear is pretty awesome, like most mammals, but then it suddenly just went dormant and everyone was like 'duh fuh?' That bear, usually awesome, but in hibernation is how I feel about non-attackers--wake up people, don't forget to be awesome!

Q: What do you like the most about clan wars?

big joe: Thrilling competition. I don't mind a two stars loss if it brings the clan closer together, but I really, really like a one star win on the last attack. It's theater. For those taking part from both clans, the clan war experience is just a gift when they are close. Sure, everyone loves a blowout to boast their ego, but a tough match is what makes us better.

Q: What else can you say about clan wars?

big joe: Looting is a frustrating thing. It's in many ways like a cancer or a very serious infectious disease. At first, theirs this one dude that's like, "Please, please, please Mr. big joe, let me attack #1 for loot." Then there are like four of those guys just begging for that chance. Soon, you have people holding off on making a solid attack with their second just so they can get the drop on some looting. After that, people no longer ask and anything goes. Pure anarchy isn't far off. Cats and dogs living together, fire and brimstone, real end of the world stuff. I would rather people use their second attacks to hone their skills and try to get three stars in a serious and useful fashion even if the war is no longer in question.

Q: Now for some easier questions. What's your favorite color?

big joe: Green. Wait, greenish blue green.

Q: Do you believe in big foot?

big joe: Yes! Wait, what? I don't think so. Does he bring the presents? Q: No. big joe: Than no.

Q: If you could mix two animals together to make a super animal what type of animal would it be?

big joe: A cat and a red panda because you know that would be non-stop cute. There would immediately be websites for LOLCRANDAS.

Q: Tell us one thing people don't know about you. 

big joe: I am not very smart, nor athletic, I am simply good at faking those sort of things. It's exhausting. When I am not putting on a show for others, I simply stare out at the wall.

Q: Thank you for your time and best of luck clashing.

big joe: Thank you, now go away!